How to Overcome Failure, Deal with Disappointment, and Heal Trauma - 11 Helpful Tips

How to Overcome Failure, Deal with Disappointment, and Heal Trauma - 11 Helpful Tips

Hello, my beautiful friends, it’s Kristina.

Today’s message is about how to deal with trauma, disappointment, or failure. I’ve been through SO much the past 10 years, so much in my life, and even in 2019, I found myself struggling with overcoming past traumas, dealing with huge disappointments, and feeling like a failure. I’ve been doing the inner work lately to really bring myself to a point of peace and balance, and I wanted to share with you what I’ve been doing in hopes that perhaps that it can help you too if you’ve been struggling with any of these issues. While sometimes we feel alone, we are never alone. While our experiences might be different, our human experience is the same. I believe that when we bring our pain to the light, then true healing can take place.

It's not always easy to grow. It's not always easy to work on ourselves and to be humble enough to make profound changes daily. However, our trials make us SO MUCH STRONGER. I’m just like you. I struggle. I’m not perfect. When I find myself feeling stuck or spiraling down, I focus on these 11 steps for myself, and I challenge you to try doing these when you’re feeling sad or disappointed to pull yourself back up. We can do them together.

Before I dive deep into all of this, I just want to make a quick announcement that early bird sign-ups for my FullyRaw Retreats are officially live on my website here. I won’t say much more than that, and I’ll be doing my BIG reveal this weekend. If you’re interested in attending one of my retreats this year, head here to see what’s in store.

I'm not a therapist, and I’m merely sharing what I’ve learned during my experience. If you need professional help, please, by all means, get help. Get the support you need. These tips I’ve put together for you have helped me SO much, and I'm hoping they can help you too.

According to the CDC, when faced with traumatic stress, they give the following steps:

  • Understand that your symptoms may be normal, especially right after the trauma.
  • Keep to your usual routine.
  • Surround yourself with family, friends, clergy, or other survivors to talk about your feeling with them and receive support.
  • Take the time to resolve day-to-day conflicts so they do not add to your stress.
  • Do not shy away from situations, people, and places that remind you of the trauma.
  • Find ways to relax and be kind to yourself.
  • Participate in leisure and recreational activities. 
  • Recognize that you cannot control everything.
  • Call a local mental health center.

My 11 Helpful Tips that I would like to add to these things are the following:

1. FEEL IT TO FREE IT

Often times I think we forget that it’s ok to FEEL things. Often times we try to cover up our emotions or stuff them down or ignore them. Often times, us trying to ignore what’s really going on inside of us tends to manifest in other forms and can even lead to unhealthy patterns or addictions. It’s OK to sit with your emotions and even accept how you feel. Make peace with the situation and how you feel. Your feelings are valid. YOU are not a disappointment. YOU are not a failure. Yes, trauma is a real thing, and it can have a profound impact on us and how we see the world. Just because you feel this way now doesn't mean you will feel this way forever. It’s OK to feel your feelings. When you feel it, you free it.

2. LOVE WHAT IS

This one has been so difficult for me because I often feel like what I want SHOULD be the way, or oftentimes I’ll have a vision in my mind of what I believe is the right way, and when it doesn’t happen...I get so hurt or disappointed. Pain is real. But pain can be transformed. It can be redirected. Setbacks aren't a failure. I love to remind myself to LOVE WHAT IS because it helps me to FIND THE POSITIVE IN EVERY POSSIBLE situation. I like to think that my "no's" are a redirection for something else that is better for me or even that this “no” could be protecting me from something that would have been worse for me in the future. It’s ok to love the difficult moments in life as well. Let go of the things not meant for you and embrace what you do have. When you do this, you might find that you fall into a place of peace and acceptance rather than stay in a place of resentment, anger, or fear. LOVE WHAT IS.

3. LEARN FROM IT

It can be as simple as that. Life is about learning lessons, and I’ll admit sometimes we don’t want to learn certain things but ultimately those lessons help us to become a better person. I think we can all think of one scenario where there was a lesson we really didn’t like but it benefitted us in the long-haul. I know each of us experiences things so differently, so what I like to focus on with this point is to find the lesson in each situation or setbacks as much as possible. It’s not easy. Yes, it can be hard. But the path to inner healing and growth isn’t always easy. Ask yourself: what lesson can you take away from this? In addition, I recommend you stop giving things meaning that don’t need meaning. Stop creating excuses. Stop justifying. Take responsibility and learn from it.

4. PERFECTION IS AN UNREALISTIC EXPECTATION

PLACE ADVERSITY ON A PEDESTAL INSTEAD OF PERFECTION.

I’ve been a perfectionist my ENTIRE life, and recently I made a promise to myself. I will no longer place perfection on a pedestal—instead, I choose to honor adversity for giving me strength and maturity. From the closing of Rawfully Organic to losing some of my best friends, having so many close people to me pass away, being betrayed financially, and even have been publicly harassed...these experiences have shaped me into the woman I am today. I wasn’t burned in the fire. I became the fire. I’ve picked myself back up, and while it’s taken me a while to feel like myself again, I’m realizing that these lessons have been gifts. While I may not have caused much of this pain, I AM responsible for my healing and my growth. Take note: perfection isn’t always desirable, nor is it relatable. The amount of wisdom that I’ve gained from these experiences can help many people. Because maybe you are currently in or have been in the same situations as me. Every day is a new step forward. I’m becoming the best version of myself. FullyRaw. I will not stop sharing my love or light just because some tried to ruin me or because I’m afraid. I choose LOVE OVER FEAR. I will continue to share my gifts with the world, and I pray you are inspired to do so as well. Perfection is an unrealistic expectation. Embrace your humanity. Celebrate adversity and put THAT on a pedestal instead of perfection.

 5. GIVE WITHOUT EXPECTING ANYTHING IN RETURN

This can be a hard one for my givers or people pleasers who are here. I’ve been a giver and a people pleaser my entire life and to my own detriment. Never give expecting to receive something back. Give simply to give. Simply love to love. And if someone or a friend requests something of you, just know that you might never get it back or simply choose to give it from the heart. Otherwise, if we give expecting something in return, it could breed resentment or anger. In addition, I think we often forget that being of service to others and focusing on HELPING others is one of the best ways to pull ourselves up and feel better. We get so wrapped up in our own worlds that we forget others struggle too. Give without expecting anything in return. Be of service. Never underestimate the power of kindness. Give love whenever and wherever possible.

6. SPEAK UP AND SET BOUNDARIES

I think the point is a nice follow up to giving without expectation because while it’s important to give, I also believe that in certain moments it’s good to set proper boundaries for yourself so that you don’t get taken advantage of. Trust me, I am the QUEEN of not having had proper boundaries in my past. Not having boundaries led me to have multiple people steal money from me, never standing up for myself, being too afraid to speak up for myself, getting cheated on in relationships, and much much worse. I made allowances for things that I never should have because I didn’t know what it looked like for me to have proper boundaries or even better communication in all of my encounters and relationships. When necessary, don’t be afraid to speak up and set boundaries for yourself. People will respect you more for it, and those who don’t, do not deserve to be in your life. 

7. WORK ON RAISING YOUR SELF-ESTEEM

We all have limiting beliefs. We all have positive and negative self-talk. Stop the comparison trap. Pay close attention to your thoughts, and when you find yourself being unkind to yourself, rewire the thought by then telling yourself something kind. Write down 3 kind things about yourself and read it over and over again. Celebrate the things that you ARE good at and the things you LIKE about yourself. Find out what sparks your passion and pursue those things. Do what makes you feel good or joyous. When necessary, practice self-care. Self-care is a form of self-love as well.

 8. CHANGE MY QUESTION

Allow me to explain this point for a moment because it might not make sense to many of you at first. I learned this at a Tony Robbins conference a couple of years ago. One of the things he said to do is to change our question. Often times in our day we will ask, “Why does this keep happening to me?!” “What did I do wrong?” “Why me?!” We place ourselves in a victim mentality that doesn’t serve us. So here’s what I challenge you to do here: CHANGE YOUR QUESTION. Instead of asking, “Why is this happening to me?” maybe you could ask, “What can I learn from this?” How can you change your question into something that is empowering and helpful to get you back on track?

9. WRITE DOWN THREE POSITIVE COPING MECHANISMS

When things get tough, when we are faced with loss, or pain, or huge disappointments, we fall down a spiral that can lead us into depression, self-pity, or even self-sabotage. It can be very easy to fall into practicing self-harming habits. And yes, there are different extremes to these, but what I challenge you to do is to catch yourself when these dark moments appear and write down three positive coping mechanisms that you can choose to do instead. Go work out or go to a yoga class. Eat a salad. Sit in the sunshine. Meditate. Practice these positive modalities to help you cope instead of self-sabotaging behaviors. Also, this one is difficult and you won’t get it right each time. Make it OK when you’re not perfect. Celebrate your small victories.

10. HONOR THE PRESENCE OF GRACE IN EVERY PAST, PRESENT, & FUTURE MOMENT OF LIFE.

I believe that everything happens for a reason. There’s so much to learn from each and every situation or circumstance we experience. It’s ok to honor what has happened in the past, to respect what the present circumstances might be, and even to give grace to that which has not yet come to be. Grace is a powerful thing. Bless the past, present, and future.

11. TIME TELLS ALL. TIME REVEALS ALL.

This is my personal quote, and it’s one that I find myself saying often not only to my friends but also to myself. Things tend to work themselves out in time. GIVE IT TIME. Healing takes time. Be patient with yourself. We might never have the answers, but usually, if you let enough time pass, things reveal themselves. This phrase has brought me much peace, and I hope it does for you too.

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